Splash King Rumor

April 1, 2011 § Leave a comment

Splash King Rumor
By Jeff Barnes

Splash King Rumor, drain your maple leaf sarcophagi
its rainbow sherbet surplus. Loofah your peasants and return them
their parting gifts: the kazoos, finger-condoms, wax fangs, candy
necklaces. Build new tumuli from styrofoam peanuts,

almond butter & fly-licked Puppy Chow cans. Make each mastaba
a vanity nameplate, (elbow macaroni and glitter.) Make
Bastet jealous. Replace her scratching posts with deserters’
dairies, (I have a mega-crush on Sekhmet.) And if she tries to rub-up

against your shins in protest, coat her nose in royal jelly, chew her
whiskers, dye her mane purple and replace her Shiva with Fancy
Feast. These walls? Too much tomb and gloom. How ‘bout red
irecting your workers. Pull your masses from the granite

quarries and send them sifting for mica. Something shiny. (Crushed
scarab shell?) And when Osiris comes to you, do not greet him
with opulence. Hold your palms cupped before him and ask
for a contribution. Remind him, These things don’t just happen, O.

It takes a lot of time and effort and energy, and if you want parties
like this one to happen again, well, you need to chip-in. And if he refuses?
Ask if he’ll at least stay late to help clean up the clipped hair and spilt juice
s, maybe sweep the scattered teeth into neat little piles or collect and

burn those guest that did not handle their consumables well, (you
told Priestess D-flow not to mix Angel’s-trumpet with rhododendron
and Hi-C.) And do some dishes because this terracotta does not wash

itself. And if Osiris still refuses. In the future, do not invite him.
(He still owes you at least three millennia worth of thank you notes.)
But do not worry about one bad apple. This adage will not hold up
in your world. You, after all, do make a mean apple cider, my King.


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